Ah, stalkers! The uninvited guests of our social lives, lurking in the shadows while seemingly doing their best impression of a low-budget detective movie. Often, they’re convinced that they’re the protagonist in a romantic thriller, but alas, most of us are just trying to binge-watch our favorite reality shows in peace. So, let’s have a chuckle or two about their peculiar brand of affection. Here are 15 jokes that might tickle your funny bone, all while safely maintaining your distance from the stalker zone!
1. Why did the stalker bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
2. What did the stalker say when he finally got a ‘no’ after asking someone out?
“That’s not a ‘no,’ that’s a ‘maybe after 200 more messages!’”
3. I told my friend I was being stalked. She says, “You know it’s not stalking if he’s just really, really enthusiastic about you.”
I responded, “Yeah, well, when does enthusiasm turn into a restraining order?”
4. Why do stalkers excel at chess?
Because they know how to corner their opponent without ever letting them breathe!
5. What do you call a stalker who exceeds his monthly data limit?
A ‘Serial-DATER’! (He’s on every dating app—just in case you swipe left.)
6. Did you hear about the stalker who started a gardening business?
He thought mulch would help him ‘grow on’ everyone!
7. Why do stalkers rarely win hide and seek?
Because they confuse hiding with just standing very still and breathing heavily!
8. How do you know a stalker is thinking of getting a pet?
When their social media accounts suddenly start looking like a “Cats of Instagram” fan page!
9. Why can’t stalkers play hide and seek effectively?
They always lose track of *time*—spending hours in front of your house instead!
10. What do you get when you cross a stalker with a GPS?
A personal space invader who always knows where you are—traveling faster than the speed of social awkwardness!
11. I asked a stalker if he believed in love at first sight.
He said, “Nah, I believe in love at first ‘like,’ followed by incessant scrolling!”
12. Why did the stalker keep a diary?
He claimed it was for ‘self-reflection’—but we all know it’s just an account of his favorite spots to perch!
13. Did you hear about the stalker who wanted to be a magician?
He thought making himself disappear into the bushes would dazzle his target. Spoiler: it didn’t!
14. What’s a stalker’s favorite poem?
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m not leaving anytime soon because I’m just so into you!”
15. Why do stalkers get obsessed with new technologies?
They want to upgrade their tactics in monitoring social behavior—because apparently, MIA is the new charm!
So, the next time you catch someone acting like a character out of a suspense film, remember: humor can sometimes help deflate the tension. Just don’t be surprised if they send a sarcastic response via message—or worse, directly to your front porch! Stay safe out there!
