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women one liners - wedding one liners -
One liners >> women one liners
Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job,
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Women don?t make fools of men most of them are the ?do-it-yourself? types.
Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he?s in love with her.
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they?re both on fire ? they?re exactly alike.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant?s life,
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt.
Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living. - God forbid.
TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.' Tallulah Bankhead
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." Aristotle Onassis
"Most women are not as young as they are painted."
"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
"Women are nothing but machines for producing children."
"Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
"As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own appartment."
"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing."
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
"The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots."
"When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice man?"
"Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning:
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing."
"Where would man be today if it wasn't for women? In the Garden of Eden eating water melon and taking it easy."
"Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them."
A man?s got to do what a man?s got to do. A woman must do what he can?t.
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.
Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best friend is still a nearsighted man.
Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels
Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes,
My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
You can never tell what's in a woman's mind, And if she's from Harlem, there's no use o' tryin'
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children,
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never.
Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.
Why should I limit myself to only one woman when I can have as many women as I want?
Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes,
The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement. Of course He could have made it to last longer,
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and technicians. The most pleasant is with women,
Men are generally more law-abiding than women. Women have the feeling that since they didn't make the rules,
Whether women are better than men I cannot say?but I can say they are certainly no worse.
To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed.
A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he's in love with her.
A Frenchwoman, when double-crossed, will kill her rival; the Italian woman would rather kill her deceitful lover;
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
There are no women composers, never have been, and possibly never will be.
A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
She was short on intellect, but long on shape.
Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful
Understanding women is like nailing Jello to a tree

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