The other week I had to share my dressing room with a monkey. The producer came in and said, 'I’m sorry about this.’ I said, 'That’s OK.’ He said, 'I wasn’t talking to you.’

I said, 'Forget the chicken.’ I said, 'Give me a lobster.’ So he brought the lobster. I looked at it. I said, 'Just a minute,’ I said, 'It’s only got one claw.’ He said, 'It’s been in a fight.’ I said, 'Well, get me the winner!’

 My uncle was 83 and wanted to marry a girl of 19. The doctor said, 'This could be fatal.’ He said, 'If she dies, she dies!’

Somebody rang my wife and said, 'I saw your husband on the beach with a blonde on his arm.’ She said, 'What do you expect at his age – a bucket and spade?’

There’s a man won the football pools, see, and he said to himself, 'I’ll buy a car.’ So he went down to the salesroom and saw the salesman and he said, 'I’d like a car. How much is that?’ He said, 'Eight hundred pounds.’ He said, 'I can’t afford that. Eight hundred pounds? I’ve only got seventy-five pounds.’ 'Well,’ the salesman said, 'how about a bicycle?’ He said, 'I don’t want a bike. I want to get out in the country to get some fresh air.’ 'Well,’ he said, 'how about a pair of skates?’ He said, 'Get away! I want to get out. I don’t want skates.’ And the man said, 'I tell you what. How about a hoop and stick?’ He said, 'All right.’ So he bought a hoop and stick and he went out into the country, came across a pub, and put the hoop and stick in the car park. He went inside, had a drink, came out and the stick’s gone. Somebody’s pinched it. So he went back to the landlord and said, 'Somebody’s taken my stick. They’ve pinched it.’ And the landlord said, 'Don’t get excited. It can’t have cost you much.’ He said, 'Well, it only cost me half a crown, but that’s not the point. How am I going to get home?’