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Smart one liners -
One liners >> smart one liners
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
Do not argue with an idiot.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Police Station toilet stolen:
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening'
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
It's always darkest before dawn.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
You have the right to remain silent.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Spent the whole day checking items off my task list.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
I know what day of the week you were born.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
If Jesus was Jewish why does he have a Mexican name?
I don't know whether the world is run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Ever notice that fifteen minutes into a Jerry Lewis telethon you start rooting for the disease? - Jim Sherbert
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen
"We have always been dependent on the strangeness of kinder."
Smoking areas in restaurants are like peeing areas in swimming pools.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. (thanks to Paul)
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Americans like fat books and thin women.
If the enemy is in range, so are you
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
Baby Philosophy - If it stinks, change it
One good turn gets most of the blanket
Everything is in walking distance if you have the time

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