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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Dain bramaged.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness, AFTER I was born.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror,
The Religious Right. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. - unknown
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others,
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it. - Upton Sinclair
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. - Plato
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. - Goethe
'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt. - Samuel Johnson
A great many open minds should be closed for repairs. - Toledo Blade
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James
Nobody ever went broke by underestimating the intelligence
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. - Nick Diamos
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. - unknown
Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. - Henry David Thoreau
Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
I have great faith in fools; My friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. - Frank Zappa
Stupidity has a certain charm -- ignorance does not. - Frank Zappa
The next time I send a damn fool on an errand, I'll go myself. - Dan Stole
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact. - George Eliot
Why do most people think their own impoverished lives must be the norm of the universe? - Poul Anderson
Dullard: Someone who looks up a thing in the encyclopedia, turns directly
A certain combination of incompetence and indifference can cause almost as much suffering as the most acute malevolence.
Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice. - unknown
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. - James Thurber
"She's a witch!""A witch? How do you know she's a witch?""She turned me into a newt!""A newt?""Uh . . . I got better."
The only problem with Baptists is they don't hold them under long enough.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I have all the money I will ever need ? if I die by 4:00 p.m. today
I have the world?s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you?ve seen it
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fck with Mrs. Murphy
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small
When you're feeling so low that you have to reach up to touch bottom, whose bottom you touch can make a big difference
Justice: A decision in your favor
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
Have a nice day. . . somewhere else
Constipated people don't give a crap
Reality is the leading cause of stress
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded
You're never too old to learn something stupid
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage
May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful
I never repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time

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