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funny life quotes -
Funny quotes >> Funny life quotes
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The road to success is always under construction.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Life is just a phase you're going'll get over it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
For most men life is a search for the proper manilla envelope in which to get themselves filed.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Were it offered to my choice, I should have no objection to a repetition of the same life from its beginning, only asking the advantages authors have in a second edition to correct some faults in the first.
No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you.
There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.
You know, it's a long world.
The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly -- because if they don't speak fast nobody will listen to them.
Life is like a game of poker: If you don't put any in the pot, there won't be any to take out.
It's possible, you can never know, that the universe exists only for me. If so, it's sure going well for me, I must admit.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.
Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
The cost of living's going up, and the chance of livin's going down.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
Life is so unlike theory.
Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.
There must be more to life than having everything.
Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.
Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.
Life is a horizontal fall.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.
Life's more amusing than we thought.
A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.
In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Life is wasted on the living.
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Life is a zoo in a jungle.
Life is like an onion. Why is life like an onion? Because you peel away layer after layer and when you come to the end you have nothing.
My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, "I am with you kid Let's go!
Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries.
If you don't know [your family's] history, then you don't know anything. You are a leaf that doesn't know it is part of a tree.
Life is pain, princess. . . anyone who says differently is selling something.
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you?re alive, it isn?t.
Deliver me from writers who say the way they live doesn't matter. I'm not sure a bad person can write a good book. If art doesn't make us better, then what on earth is it for.
Dost thou love life? Then
waste not time; for time is the stuff that life is made of.
Dont take life to seriously. No one gets out alive.
Just when you think there's light at the end of the tunnel, you discover it's an on-coming train.
Life is the only thing you can''t get out of alive.
What a wonderful life I''ve had! I only wish I''d realized it sooner.
If we can't be free, we at least can be cheap.
life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how u react to it
Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.
Life is a glitch in the universal program
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Every guest hates the others, and the host hates them all.
A daily guest is a thief in the kitchen.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
A guest never forgets the host who had treated him kindly.
The first day, a guest; the second, a burden; the third, a pest.
If it were not for guests all houses would be graves.
To be an ideal guest, stay at home.
The magic formula that successful businesses have discovered is to treat customers like guests and employees like people.
The ornaments of your house will be the guests who frequent it.
A civil guest will no more talk all, than eat all the feast.
To buy very good wine nowadays requires only money. To serve it to your guests is a sign of fatigue.
Humility is a virtue, and it is a virtue innate in guests.
Superior people never make long visits.
?There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.?
?I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.?
?I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."?
?I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.?
?I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.?
?Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.?
?Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.?
?I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.?
?It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.?
?I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.?
?You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.?
This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.

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