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witty Quotes - quotes about witty -

witty Quotes

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.

It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?

"Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces."

We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next-door neighbour.

I have no trouble with my enemies. I can take care of my enemies all right. But my damn friends?they're the ones that keep me walking the floor nights!

Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends? shortcomings.

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

?Behind every great man there is a woman rolling her eyes.?

?Do you know the best way for a guy to impress a girl at the gym? The best way is to do pull-ups . . . pull up in a corvette, pull up in a Rolls Royce, pull up in a Cadillac.?

?The only time a man will truly listen is when he has wood.?

?If men knew all that women think, they would be twenty times more daring.?

?Men forget everything; women remember everything. That?s why men need instant replays in sports. They?ve already forgotten what happened.?

?Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.?

?All men hear is blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.?

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.

A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.?

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault."

"They say marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightening."

?The squeaky wheel gets the grease.?

"Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over!"

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.

People are always available for work in the past tense. -Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour quotes

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.

In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse.

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.

If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.

People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.

The next best thing to being witty one's self, is to be able to quote another's wit.

Doing nothing is very hard to do?you never know when you?re finished.

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you?re on the job.

A good rule of thumb is if you?ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you?ve made a serious vocational error.

The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle!

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up!

The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.

Today is just a good day in disguise.

Experience is the child of thought, and thought is the child of action.

The major difference between the big shot and the little shot is the big shot is just a little shot who kept on shooting.

It is your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude.

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing.. that's why we recommend it daily.

Our life's a stage, a comedy: either learn to play and take it lightly, or bear its troubles patiently.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That?s just common sense!

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I?m an American ? you know, you grow.

You can?t fight City Hall, but you can damn sure blow it up.

The reason I talk to myself is because I?m the only one whose answers I accept.

Isn?t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

I?ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you?re too tired.

George Washington?s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

No one who has had ?Taps? played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

A witty woman is a treasure a witty beauty is a power

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit

One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty

You are wise witty and wonderful but you spend too much time reading this sort of stuff

It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time

The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners

A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string

You can pretend to be serious you cant pretend to be witty

The next best thing to being witty is to quote anothers wit

A large nose is the mark of a witty courteous affable generous and liberal man

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