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Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was
For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
A three-year-old little boy was examining
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Plan to be spontaneous .......... tomorrow.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog"
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers.
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. - unknown
Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the Law! - NASA briefing slide
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. - Charles Kuralt
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley
It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent. - Q., Star Trek, the Next Generation
Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends.
Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter."
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man~ if you want anything done, ask a woman.
It's a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser


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