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What's Wal-Mart? Do they, like, make walls there?" - Paris Hilton
 
 
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
 
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
 
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
 
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
 
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
--Steven Wright
 
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
 
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
 
 
 
 
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
 
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
--Billiam Coronell
 
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
 

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

 

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

 

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

 

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
 
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
 
 
 
 
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
 
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
 
"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
 
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
 
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
 
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"
 
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
 
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
 
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
 
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
 
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
 
 
 
 
 
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
 
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
 
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
 
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
 
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
 
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
 
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
 
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
 
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
 
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
 
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
 
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
 
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
 
If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
 
I'm glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I'd be rotten to the core. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
 
They say that housework can't kill you, but why take a chance!?
 
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
 
Be nice to your children because they will be the ones who will choose your rest home.
 
The reason there are no women football leagues is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
 
Photos of me don't do me justice. They just look like me.
 
The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
 
Robert Redford once asked me out. I was in his room.
 
I have so little money in my bank account that my scenic checks show a ghetto.
 
My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.
 
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag
 
Cleaning your house while your kids are still at home is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
 
I asked the waiter if the milk was fresh. He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."
 
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
 
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
 
No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age. Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
 
If it weren't for baseball, most kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
 
When the pro tells you to keep your head down, the real reason is so you can't see him laughing at you.
 
Tranquilizers only work if you follow the instructions on the bottle - keep away from children.
 
 "Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields
 "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death stuff." - Mariah Carey
 
 "I've never wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa." - Britney Spears
 
 "I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me." - Jessica Simpson
 
 "I get to go to lots of overseas places like Canada." - Britney Spears
 
 "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist." - Tara Reid
 
 "I think the Clueless movie was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think the lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone
 
 "It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher." - Linda Evangelista
 
 (Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?) Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we did live forever, then we would live forever, which is why I would not live forever." - Heather Whitestone, Miss Alabama
 
 "Is this chicken that I have or is it fish? I know it's tuna but it says 'Chicken of the Sea'." - Jessica Simpson
 
 "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" - Christina Aguilera
 
 "When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crack head with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes." - Nicole Richie
 
 "Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." - Ivana Trump
 
 "I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our 52 states." - Unattributed
 
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.
 
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
 
have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it. (George Carlin)
 
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.'
 
The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' (Jay Leno)
 
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne )
 
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. (Steve Martin)
 
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)
 
Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! (George Carlin)
 
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. (Dave Chappelle )
 
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it. (Dave Chappelle )
 
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. (Bill Cosby )
 
To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing. (Billy Crystal )
 
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright )
 
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. (George Gobel)
 
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S.of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. (Chris Rock )
 
 
 


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