The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about
twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely
at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled
Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
Christmas Song
Christmas Joke : Christmas Offence
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he
asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
Funny Christmas Song
Jokes At Christmas
What kind of music do elves like best?
"Wrap" music!
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's
shoulders!
What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!
What kind of money do elves use?
Jingle bills!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had low "elf" esteem!
How long should an elf's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!
What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOGon"!
Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!
Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin?
Cinder-"elf"-a!
One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner".
And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
Why do elves scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where its itchy!
How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"
Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!
What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because Santa had said, "No L!"
Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the band?
Because he had the drum sticks!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!
What's another name for Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!
Christmas Frog
Santa's Flight Test
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the
Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas when
the FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in
order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed
Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride.
Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the
compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a
shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're
gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Funny Christmas Videos
Christmas joke : Christmas Stamps
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She
says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
"What denomination?" the clerk asks.
"Oh my God! Has it come to this then?" asks the blonde. "Well okay, give me
6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist."
Funny Christmas Song
Christmas Oddities
In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they
decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit.
In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the streets
to be blocked off on Christmas eve so that the people can roller-skate to
church.
An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on
Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is
believed to bring good luck.
It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the
Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a
clockwise direction.
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig
prepared with mustard.
Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette,
since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.
In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because
long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on
Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.
Funny Christmas Morning
15 Ways To Confuse Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeers with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say
"We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way
home.
8. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last
payment, and take off.
9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note
that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a
stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that
says, "For Santa."
10. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They
always return to the scene of the crime."
11. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.
12. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and
fire a gun.
13. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
14. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the
house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been
"trampled." Threaten to sue.
15. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like
the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood
ain't big enough for the both of us."
