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Family one liners -
One liners >> family one liners
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
The family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts never quite wish to.
I am an only child. I have one sister.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world,
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.
My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.
I can get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror and my family can look at me too and that's all that matters.
If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.
Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space,
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry'.
When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
"I wish I understood then what I do now, that I had concentrated more on the vital and less on the urgent."
The grass isn't greener on the 'other side', the grass isn't greener on your side. It's Greener where you water it.
?Parenting is the only job, that you don't know if you did a Good job, until it's too late!?
"What you cannot enforce, do not command."
"How do you spell Love to your children? T..I..M..E "
"Old Age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Skill!
"We always got along," said Gordon, (Of his marriage to Gen, of more than 52 years).
"Marriage is like a card game. They start with a pair; he shows a diamond; she shows a flush;
"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time."
"The best friend of your conscience must always be self-control."
"Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for."
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poor could make a wonderful living.
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
One old friend is better than two new ones.
When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter
Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
I miss my wife's cooking. . . . as often as I can


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