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Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
I need someone really bad. Are you really ?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Do witches run spell checkers?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Press -- to continue ...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
when your gal ain't just a dish, she's a whole set of china ... (just a line that I like from a song )
Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. - G.B. Shaw
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Christmas is at our throats again. - Noel Coward, annual holiday card
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright
Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item. - unknown
I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't. - Ulysses S. Grant
Do I mind if you smoke? I don't give a shit if you burn to the ground!
Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. (thanks to Jeff Dudley)
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
If you can?t be a good example, then you?ll just have to be a horrible warning.
Life is sexually transmitted
I'm not getting older...I'm getting better
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck


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