|Chuck Norris tears cure cancer Too bad he has never cried.|
|Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.|
|Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.|
|The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.|
|Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you are still alive, it is because Chuck Norris loves you.|
|Chuck Norris isnt hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.|
|If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.|
|Rather than being birthed like a normal child. Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb.|
|There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.|
|There is no theory of evolution just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.|
|In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.|
|Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.|
|In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.|
|Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.|
|Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.|
|When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood he declines the syringe and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.|
|Chuck Norris has two speeds walk and kill.|
|When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water he does not get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.|
|Chuck Norris can divide by zero.|
|Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.|
|When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.|
|When a tsunami happens it is because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.|
|Chuck Norris poops light sabers.|
|Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.|
|Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women ground up packed in a burlap sack and thrown over the back of a donkey.|
|Why did the chicken cross the road Because Chuck Norris threw it.|
|Chuck Norris belly button is actually a power outlet.|
|Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.|
|Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately the sound of it would melt the average human brain.|
|Chuck Norris has a pet kitten every night for a snack.|
|On his birthday Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.|
|Outer space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.|
|When Chuck Norris vomits wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.|
|If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer he had strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.|
|Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.|
|Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.|
|The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.|
|Chuck Norris does not wash his clothes he disembowels them.|
|Even Chuck Norris can not believe nobody Chuck Norrised this guy a long time ago.|
|Guns do not kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.|
|There is no theory of evolution Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.|
|Chuck Norris does not sleep He waits.|
|There is no chin under Chuck Norris Beard. There is only another fist.|
|The leading causes of death in the United States are Heart Disease, Chuck Norris and Cancer.|
|Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.|
|Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.|
|Chuck Norris does not go hunting CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.|
|Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. |
|Crop circles are Chuck Norris way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.|
|Chuck Norris is ten feet tall weighs two tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.|
|The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.|
|Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris not the box jellyfish of northern Australia is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten a human being experiences the following symptoms fever blurred vision beard rash tightness of the jeans and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.|
|Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72 and they are all poisonous.|
|If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is he always says, Two seconds til. After you ask Two seconds til what he roundhouse kicks you in the face.|
|When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.|
|The quickest way to a man is heart is with Chuck Norris fist.|
|Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken is famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.|
|CNN was originally created as the Chuck Norris Network to update Americans with on the spot ass kicking in real time.|
|Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.|
|Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.|
|What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris victims before they died His shoe.|
|Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11 a suicide.|
|Chuck Norris does not churn butter He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.|
|A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.|
|Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.|
|Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker Texas Chain Saw Masacre.|
|If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble you win Forever.|
|Chuck Norris originally appeared in the Street Fighter II video game but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch Norris replied That is no glitch.|
|Fool me once shame on you Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.|
|The opening scene of the movie Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.|
|Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger by yelling Bang.|
|Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re entered the earth is atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.|
|Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks arent the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.|
|Contrary to popular belief America is not a democracy it is a Chucktatorship.|
|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole and when he crapped it out the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.|
|Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse horses are hung like Chuck Norris.|
|Faster than a speeding bullet more powerful than a locomotive able to leap tall buildings in a single bound yes these are some of Chuck Norris is warm up exercises.|
|Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.|
|In the Bible Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.|
|Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell What The Hell was That.|
|Time waits for no man Unless that man is Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.|
|Chuck Norris does not shower he only takes blood baths.|
|The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.|
|According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica the Native American Trail of Tears has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.|
|Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies He potato sacks them.|
|Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.|
|There are no steroids in baseball Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.|
|Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a Who has more testicles contest Chuck Norris won by 5.|
|Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chucks gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse kick related injuries.|
|When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.|
|Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.|
|Some people like to eat frogs legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs Hence snakes.|
|There are no races only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.|
|When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.|
|Chuck Norris cant finish a color by numbers because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.|
|A Chuck Norris delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.|
|When Chuck Norris falls in water Chuck Norris doesnt get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.|
|Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK.|
|Chuck Norris house has no doors only walls that he walks through.|
|When Chuck Norris has sex with a man it wont be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.|
|How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris All of it.|
|Chuck Norris doesnt actually write books the words assemble themselves out of fear.|
|In honor of Chuck Norris all McDonalds in Texas have an even larger size than the super size. When ordering just ask to be Chucksized.|
|Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.|
|If tapped a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.|
|The grass is always greener on the other side unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.|
|A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.|
|Newtons Third Law is wrong Although it states that for each action there is an equal and opposite reaction there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.|
|Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It is called Chuck-Will Kill.|
|When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.|
|While urinating Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.|
|Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.|
|When Chuck Norris talks everybody listens And dies.|
|When Steven Seagal kills a ninja he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja he uses every part.|
|Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this a slow Tuesday.|
|Contrary to popular belief there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.|
|Chuck Norris doesnt shave he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.|
|For some the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris each testicle is larger than the other one.|
|Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.|
|When taking the SAT write Chuck Norris for every answer. You will score over 8000.|
|Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink Tom Cruise invented pink.|
|When you are Chuck Norris anything anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.|
|Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a Joker a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card a 2 of clubs 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.|
|On his birthday Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.|
|Nobody does not like Sara Lee Except Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris does not throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down.|
|In the beginning there was nothing then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said Get a job. That is the story of the universe.|
|Chuck Norris has 12 moons One of those moons is the Earth.|
|Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.|
|Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined victim as one who has encountered Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.|
|Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar The bar was instantly destroyed as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.|
|If you Google search Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked you will generate zero results It just does not happen.|
|Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty seven seconds.|
|Little known medical fact Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse kicked his way out of his monthers womb.|
|Chuck Norris does not bowl strikes he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.|
|The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.|
|It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.|
|You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.|
|Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life unless it gets in his way.|
|The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.|
|There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.|
|Chuck Norris does not believe in Germany.|
|When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area he does not walk around people. He walks through them.|
|Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.|
|James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However upon reflection he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.|
|Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.|
|Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.|
|Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.|
|It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.|
|Chuck Norris is responsible for China is over population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.|
|Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.|
|Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.|
|Simply by pulling on both ends Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.|
|When Chuck Norris does a pushup he is not lifting himself up he is pushing the Earth down.|
|Chuck Norris invented the bolt action rifle liquor sexual intercourse and football in that order.|
|Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.|
|There is in fact an I in Norris but there is no team not even close.|
|Scotty in Star Trek often says Ye cannae change the laws of physics. This is untrue Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics With his fists.|
|An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I do not know what that is but it sounds AWESOME.|
|Chuck Norris does not stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs bedframes and sidewalks.|
|Using his trademark roundhouse kick Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.|
|Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks do not really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space time continuum.|
|Chuck Norris does not own a stove oven or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.|
|Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because The Sum of All Fears is the name of Chuck Norris autobiography.|
|Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.|
|Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.|
|Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.|
|The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long as Chuck roundhouse kicked Saurons ass halfway through the first chapter.|
|Hellen Kellers favorite color is Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the Circle of Life.|
|If by some incredible spacetime paradox Chuck Norris would ever fight himself he had win Period.|
|Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.|
|The crossing lights in Chuck Norris is home town say Die slowly and die quickly. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.|
|Science Fact Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.|
|The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasnt tough enough to be associated with him. The Army for fear of Chuck Norris renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We werent before his first space expedition.|
|Superman once watched an episode of Walker Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.|
|Chuck Norris does not step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.|
|The movie Delta Force was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.|
|Movie trivia The movie Invasion U.S.A. is in fact a documentary.|
|Chuck Norris does not style his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.|
|There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.|
|A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are Heart disease, Chuck Norris, Cancer.|
|It is widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris skin.|
|Chuck Norris did in fact build Rome in a day.|
|Along with his black belt Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes No one has DARED call him on it Ever.|
|Anytime someone is elected president in the United States they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal State and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.|
|Once you go Norris you are physically unable to go back.|
|Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr insisting that that actually is his way.|
|The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick No one knows because dead men tell no tales.|
|As a teen Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.|
|Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.|
|Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass kicking.|
|Wo hu cang long The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads Crouching Chuck Hidden Norris.|
|Some kids play Kick the can Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.|
|Icy-Hot is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid hot MAGMA.|
|Chuck Norris cannot love he can only not kill.|
|When Chuck Norris was a baby he did not suck his mother breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.|
|According to Einsteins theory of relativity Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.|
|Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.|
|In an act of great philanthropy Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.|
|Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.|
|When J.Robert Oppenheimer said I am become death the destroyer Of worlds He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.|
|Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.|
|In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.|
|Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass do not be offended or hurt he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.|
|If at first you do not succeed you are not Chuck Norris.|
|If Chuck Norris were a calendar every month would be named Chucktober and every day he had kick your ass.|
|Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope as in I hope I do not get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris is show is called Walker Texas Ranger because Chuck Norris does not run.|
|MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips but Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick his head through a wall and take it.|
|Behind every successful man there is a woman. Behind every dead man there is Chuck Norris.|
|What is known as the UFC or Ultimate Fighting Championship does not use its full name which happens to be Ultimate Fighting Championship Non Chuck Norris Division.|
|Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings industrial paint remover and wood grain alcohol.|
|The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris age is to cut him in half and count the rings.|
|There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.|
|Most boots are made for walkin Chuck Norris boots ain't that merciful.|
|The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.|
|Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.|
|The Bible was originally titled Chuck Norris and Friends.|
|Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill fated attempt to make his day to day opponents less laughably pathetic.|
|Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors. Because Chuck Norris does not like Fudge Ripple.|
|When Chuck Norris says More cowbell he MEANS it.|
|On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth and the good Chuck he taketh away.|
|Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin about.|
|Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you do not find Chuck Norris he finds you.|
|Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.|
|Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.|
|It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.|
|Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.|
|It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That is true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.|
|Chuck Norris shot the sheriff but he round house kicked the deputy.|
|That is not Chuck Norris doing push ups that is Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.|
|Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.|
|Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.|
|Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It does not have nearly enough balls.|
|How many Chuck Norris does it take to change a light bulb. None Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.|
|As President Roosevelt said We have nothing to fear but fear itself And Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris just says no to drugs. If he said yes it would collapse Colombia is infrastructure.|
|Since 1940 the year Chuck Norris was born roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.|
|Crime does not pay unless you are an undertaker following Walker Texas Ranger on a routine patrol.|
|Chuck Norris invented the interne just so he had a place to store his porn.|
|Chuck Norris does not own a house He walks into random houses and people move.|
|It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.|
|Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.|
|Industrial logging is not the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.|
|Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking because the Rock is Chuck Norris personal chef.|
|When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen axels and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.|
|Brokeback Mountain is not just a movie. It is also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.|
|Chuck Norris does not eat Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris fists is inside his own body.|
|One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection There were no survivors.|
|Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot Chuck met all three bullets with his beard deflecting them. JFK is head exploded out of sheer amazement.|
|Chuck Norris does not read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.|
|Chuck Norris uses a night light Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries the whole damn barn falls down.|
|Before each filming of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is of course to limit his strength and mobility in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.|
|When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks You want fries with that because by now everyone should know that Chuck does not ever want fries with anything Ever.|
|Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.|
|Sticks and stones may break your bones but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.|
|Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.|
|Chuck Norris once went skydiving but promised never to do it again One Grand Canyon is enough.|
|Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.|
|Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.|
|Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil who appreciates irony could not stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.|
|Chuck Norris has already been to Mars that is why there are no signs of life there.|
|They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper but it would not take shit from anybody.|
|A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris shoe. Chuck replied Do not you know who I am I am Chuck Norris The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first last and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.|
|Chuck Norris invented black In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink Tom Cruise invented pink.|
|The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.|
|When you are Chuck Norris anything anything is equal to roundhouse kick to the face.|
|Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.|
Chuck Norris doesnt wear superman pajamas superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
Chuck Norris doesnt read books, he stares them down till he gets the
inforfmation out of them
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Guns don?t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris? Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck
Norris 3. Cancer.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
Chuck Norris doesn?t go hunting?. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris? way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a
hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern
Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision,
beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72? and they?re all
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ?Two seconds ?til.?
After you ask, ?Two seconds ?til what?? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to
pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man?s heart is with Chuck Norris? fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken?s famous secret recipe, with eleven
herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the ?Chuck Norris Network? to update Americans
with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris? victims before they
died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11?. a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn?t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter
comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn?t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris
and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker:
Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the ?Street Fighter II? video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this ?glitch,? Norris replied, ?That?s no glitch.?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in
The opening scene of the movie ?Saving Private Ryan? is loosely based on games
of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling,
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On
July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth?s atmosphere,
streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren?t the best
way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake
anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet
tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse? horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ? more powerful than a locomotive ? able to leap
tall buildings in a single bound? yes, these are some of Chuck Norris?s warm-up
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty
principle ? you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will
roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that
wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades
from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell ?What
The Hell was That??
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes
in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was
discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked
him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn?t shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4,
because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the
world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill
you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American ?Trail of Tears?
has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American
Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead
requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard,
which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged
by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck?s gift, and arranged to have him
written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious
roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.